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Jokes!

Started by Bakster, December 12, 2005, 06:17:20 PM

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Bakster

#60
January 12, 2006, 06:10:49 PM
On a busy Friday afternoon, while the passengers are patiently waiting for their flight to begin, two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke but none is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the end of the runway.

As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know, John, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."

Bakster

#61
January 12, 2006, 06:12:12 PM
As you are receiving e-mail, it's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally and with serious consequences.
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. Hearing the scream, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

"Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S. Sure is hot down here!"

Bakster

#62
January 12, 2006, 06:15:45 PM
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back....or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few women who did...
FIRST TESTIMONY:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who work at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

THIRD TESTIMONY:

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my Sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amuck. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me was screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:

Have you ever asked your child a particular question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so, of course, I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then, I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied.

I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST TESTIMONY:

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow -- but don't get any....a true story.

We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Allister

#63
February 10, 2006, 12:23:47 AM
How do you make a donkey laugh?
Tell him your penis is bigger than his.

How do you make a donkey cry?
Show it to him.

Parsley

#64
February 10, 2006, 12:15:27 PM
Not really a joke.

But made me laugh:

http://www.thingsmygirlfriendandihavearguedabout.com

Bakster

#65
February 10, 2006, 05:44:47 PM
Too long. The first 100 bullet points didn't make me laugh, so I'll be damned if the next 1000 do!

The_Gu3st

#66
February 10, 2006, 06:41:07 PM
Quote from: Bakster on February 10, 2006, 05:44:47 PM
Too long. The first 100 bullet points didn't make me laugh, so I'll be damned if the next 1000 do!

Wow, you must be a slow reader. Took me about 5 minutes.

Bakster

#67
February 10, 2006, 07:18:12 PM
Of course. I'm an uber fast reader, but that was just crap.

The_Gu3st

#68
March 13, 2006, 12:19:40 PM
Bakster is a liar. BURN HIM! he stopped posting jokes.

eddie

#69
March 13, 2006, 12:36:58 PM
man, seriously, this thread was cool, id say to keep it up, but seeing as how were burning u, nvm

eddie

#70
March 13, 2006, 02:42:47 PM
*brings active threads back 2 top

and i know this isnt an active thread, but i would like it to be again  :)

Parsley

#71
March 13, 2006, 02:59:36 PM
*nods*

50 catchup jokes asap please Mr.B.

haferhole1

#72
April 05, 2006, 09:44:50 PM
*bump* bakster, ur way behind on ur jokes.

here ill tell 1 to get u started.

a bear and a rabbit are making poopies, and the bear asks the rabbit, "do u ever have trouble with shit sticking to your fur?" the rabbit says no, so the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit  :D

click my egg to get ur own

haferhole1

#73
April 05, 2006, 10:15:05 PM
yay! the post above me made me a commander! 500 POSTS! TAKE THAT GUEST, I BET ULL NEVER GET 500 POSTS!
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click my egg to get ur own

Bakster

#74
April 05, 2006, 10:43:21 PM
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist back then.

There, I've caught up.
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