Best Novel Ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Dodger]

I have to write a 10,000-20,000 word novel for my English class by the end of the month and i'm going to share it here because I have nothing else to do. And so you can comment on it, give me suggestions, and to make fun of it (Bakster). It is just a first draft that I need to do though and it won't even be read. I also don't have that many quotes. So far, all I have is the prologue and a word count of 333.


Prologue:
In the age of old there was once an Empire known as Mekanakor. They were at war with the Evil Hakarion Empire. The armies were currently concentrating most of their efforts in the province of Chakmoore. They were fighting over the ancient relic of Hara-Nor. Its mystical powers granted immortality to all who unleashed its power. It was hidden deep in the old city which Chakmoore was built over. Recently, the Hakarion Empire was winning the battle and had gained control of the city.

A young officer of the Mekanakor Empire named Tanas was sent out with a small force to infiltrate the old city and capture the relic. They had to break through dozens of enemy soldiers to get there. They set off through the streets. When they found the entrance, it was heavily guarded. They looked around some and found a hidden passageway that led down to the old city. After walking hundreds of steps in pitch darkness, they came to some light. They saw a few enemy soldiers. They easily took them out, and grabbed one of their torches. They continued deeper down, until eventually they came to a chamber with hundreds of Hakarion soldiers inside. They found a hidden spot where they could spy on what was going on in the chamber. The soldiers were gathering around an artifact, it was the relic of Harak-Nor which the two empires were fighting over.

“This is the moment of triumph; with this we shall finally destroy the Mekanakor Empire!” the General of the Hakarion troops said. The general touched the relic and it started to glow green and hum. Tanas and his soldiers knew that it would most likely be suicide, but they could not let the Hakarion’s get a hold of the power of the Hara-Nor. They charged into the chamber and attacked the Hakarion’s in the confusion of the relic. Just then, before anyone knew what was happening, the relic flashed a white light and then all went dark.

I havn't commented yet. So I thought I would.
IMO, too many short sentences. It's annoying to read.
eg, in the first paragraph, you could have combined many of those sentences into one, separated with comma's.

BTW, was it supposed to be sci-fi/fantasy or whatever this is? Or was the topic your choice?

[The_Crusade]

But seriously, did you like it? Looking back over it I can see a few improvements could have been made, but it's better that Dragon's right? ()

Yes, I did like it. It's a lot better than dragon's

[SabreWulf]

Thankyou, thankyou very much for those heavily cliched, unoriginal drizzled stories. What you have to realise is that you can describe as much as you like, hell its not exactly hard to waffle. You do however, need great skill and imagination to contruct a story that actually makes me want to read on and develop rather than read continous f***ing seas of descriptive language.

F*** me, its content ladies, content.

And in my humble opinion fantasy blows. Goblins are gay. Elves are gay. Dragons are gay. Thats why they do not exist because they were too gay.

Once again posting such matter on a dying game forum is quite baffling to me. Jeez.

[Dodger]

  Mine wasn't fantasy. Goddddd.

[flamingdragon]

I havn't commented yet. So I thought I would.
IMO, too many short sentences. It's annoying to read.
eg, in the first paragraph, you could have combined many of those sentences into one, separated with comma's.

BTW, was it supposed to be sci-fi/fantasy or whatever this is? Or was the topic your choice?

Bakster just pointed that out. 

And I could've chosen anything to write about.

[flamingdragon]

Oops, wrong smiley.

[The_Crusade]

Thankyou, thankyou very much for those heavily cliched, unoriginal drizzled stories. What you have to realise is that you can describe as much as you like, hell its not exactly hard to waffle. You do however, need great skill and imagination to contruct a story that actually makes me want to read on and develop rather than read continous f***ing seas of descriptive language.

F*** me, its content ladies, content.

And in my humble opinion fantasy blows. Goblins are gay. Elves are gay. Dragons are gay. Thats why they do not exist because they were too gay.

Once again posting such matter on a dying game forum is quite baffling to me. Jeez.

What books do you read?

[flamingdragon]

NONE I bet,
freakin loser making fun of us for reading.

[flamingdragon]

I fixed the prologue a long time ago, totally forgot about posting my story here though, is this any better?

Prologue
   
   In the age of old there was once an Empire known as Mekanakor. They were at war with the Evil Hakarion Empire. The war had been lasting for several generations with no end in sight, until now. The armies were currently concentrating most of their efforts in the province of Chakmoore. They were fighting over the ancient relic of Hara-Nor. Its mystical powers granted immortality to all who unleashed its power. It was hidden deep in the old city which Chakmoore was built over. Recently, the Hakarion Empire was winning the battle and had gained control of most of the city. A young officer of the Mekanakor Empire named Tanas was sent out with a small force to infiltrate the old city and capture the relic. They had to break through dozens of enemy soldiers to get there. They set off through the streets; the town was very odd from normal towns. The architect was extremely different from what they were used to It was built a long time ago by a very old race of people known as the Dyneus. When at last they finally came to the entrance, it was heavily guarded with a lot of the guards headed down into it. It was located in an easily defended part of the town, probably for the very reason of protecting the passageway; however it only made it impossible for them to get down it. They looked around the perimeter looking for perhaps another way to get down into the city. Eventually they found a house relatively near to the area of the passageway. They looked around inside the house and found a hidden passageway that led down to the old city. After walking hundreds of steps in pitch darkness, they came to some light. They saw a few enemy soldiers. They snuck up behind them, as they did not suspect anyone from that direction, and slit their throats, and grabbed one of their torches before it hit the ground. They continued deeper down, until eventually they came to a chamber with hundreds of Hakarion soldiers inside. They quickly took cover, and found a hidden spot where they could spy on what was going on in the chamber. The soldiers were gathering around an artifact, it was the very relic of Harak-Nor which the two empires were fighting over. “This is the moment of triumph; with this we shall finally destroy the Mekanakor Empire!” the General of the Hakarion troops said. The general touched the relic and it started to glow green and hum. Tanas and his soldiers knew that it would most likely be suicide, but they could not let the Hakarion’s get a hold of the power of the Hara-Nor. They charged into the chamber and attacked the Hakarion’s in the confusion of the relic. Just then, before anyone knew what was happening, the relic flashed a white light and then all went dark.

[flamingdragon]

It's certainly longer anyways.

[The_Crusade]

As Dodger pointed out, your sentences are too short and basic. I'll show you an example of why this is bad:

The boy walked down the street to the shop. He entered the shop. He bought some sweets. He left the shop. He walked home.

Compared to this:

The boy walked down the street to the shop. He entered the shop, bought some sweets before leaving and heading home.

Not the best example, but hopefully you see my point. There's no flow in your story, too many full stops. Most of all, it's boring as hell with no complex sentences.

They looked around inside the house and found a hidden passageway that led down to the old city.

So they just barged into the house? Kinda reminds me of Final Fantasy games

[The_Crusade]

Your description skills are improving, but you tend to describe historical and background stuff as opposed to physical description. The more detail, the better

[Dodger]

For example, I hope you don't mind, but I edited the first paragraph.

In the age of old there was once an Empire known as Mekanakor. They were at war with the Evil Hakarion Empire. The war had been lasting for several generations with no end in sight, until now. The armies were currently concentrating most of their efforts in the province of Chakmoore. They were fighting over the ancient relic of Hara-Nor. Its mystical powers granted immortality to all who unleashed its power.

Many years ago, in the almost forgotten ages of old, there were once two Empires wreathed in all consuming war. The origins of this war had been lost to time, but the future looked bleak, and the war untameable. The two Empires, known as Mekanakor and the evil Hakarion, were currently pouring all of their resources into capturing the Ancient Relic of Hara-Nor, for it had been said that it's mystical powers could grant immortality to any who unleashed it's potential.

[Dodger]

Thankyou, thankyou very much for those heavily cliched, unoriginal drizzled stories. What you have to realise is that you can describe as much as you like, hell its not exactly hard to waffle. You do however, need great skill and imagination to contruct a story that actually makes me want to read on and develop rather than read continous f***ing seas of descriptive language.

F*** me, its content ladies, content.

And in my humble opinion fantasy blows. Goblins are gay. Elves are gay. Dragons are gay. Thats why they do not exist because they were too gay.

Once again posting such matter on a dying game forum is quite baffling to me. Jeez.

I have since learned that he only reads erotica books. That was what he meant by 'content'.

[The_Crusade]

Lolol